Can saying no save you?
When I’m out there doing my thing and being myself, that’s when I am the happiest. I like being there for people cos I know what it feels like when someone isn’t being there for me. I’ve seen it, experienced it, lived through it. So, I do what I wish was done for me.
When we do things for others, we expect something in return. That’s just a human nature and I wanted to defy that. I worked so hard to be the space of giving and not expecting anything in return. I made myself believe, if I’m giving, it should only be cos I wanted to and not because I wanted a favour or I wanted something in return. Because truth be told, we do things for others cos’ deep down we want something in return. It was a long battle I tell you. But it was not hard. Also because I grew up seeing my parents doing the same exact thing. They gave. They gave and they gave without expecting anything in return. All they wanted was respect- so it wasn’t hard for me at all.
But still, there was something small in me that expected something in return and I examined myself. Sat down and really thought about it. I knew I didn’t want anything but I also knew I wanted something. Confused right? Big time!
You have to understand- if you’re a yes man/woman, people pleasing all the time; giving and giving- you will have nothing left for yourself. Eventually you will crush.
I’m not gonna deny that I was people’s pleaser. I wanted people to be happy but often it was at the cost of my own happiness. I would work extra hard to make them see that I’m a good person. But soon after years and years of being infected by the disease to please, I realised that I needed to find cure for it.
And I completely stopped, in fact I started running away from the blood suckers who expected me to do things for them but never showed when I needed them.
And even though it hurt at the beginning it started paying off and I started living my life the way I wanted it. I show up when I want to and I don’t if I don’t feel like it. I developed this principle- I won’t go if I’m not taking my heart with me. If I said I’m coming, I’m coming to be with you and spend time with you and not worry about anything else. And when it’s time to go- it’s time to go.
But that still made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Cos’ when I say no, people thought I was not nice or did not deserve being their friend, and that bothered me a little.
Saying “No” is terrifying and it sets boundaries- and if I say no people may not come back- Gabrielle Union
It’s like you can’t just say no- you have to justify your NO so people think you’re still a nice person. You have to have a reason why you’re not going to a certain party, place or invitation.
Which is why we say, I can’t come because I have……..
I’m not gonna make it because I need to be…..
What if you don’t want to go cos you simply don’t want to and it is the reason why you’re not- you just don’t want to say like that, cos people would think you’re rude and not a nice person. And so, we become liars against our own will.
But soon I realised, self-love teaches you that even the biggest giver still needs something in return. So, when I say NO to other people, really what I’m doing is saying yes to ME! Because since I’m not expecting to get it back from others, I have to expect to get it from me. And to do that I need to be on my own to recharge so I can give back and be there for others as much as I want. No strings attached.
So don’t get an offense, if I say, I can’t come or I won’t be there. It simply means, I need to be there for me. I need to show up for me. I need to give me some time. I need me to do me a favour and stay with me.
Always with love- BEE xoxo