Can saying no save you?

Can saying no save you?

 

When I’m out there doing my thing and being myself, that’s when I am the happiest. I like being there for people cos I know what it feels like when someone isn’t being there for me. I’ve seen it, experienced it, lived through it. So, I do what I wish was done for me.

 

When we do things for others, we expect something in return. That’s just a human nature and I wanted to defy that. I worked so hard to be the space of giving and not expecting anything in return. I made myself believe, if I’m giving, it should only be cos I wanted to and not because I wanted a favour or I wanted something in return. Because truth be told, we do things for others cos’ deep down we want something in return. It was a long battle I tell you. But it was not hard. Also because I grew up seeing my parents doing the same exact thing. They gave. They gave and they gave without expecting anything in return. All they wanted was respect- so it wasn’t hard for me at all.

 

But still, there was something small in me that expected something in return and I examined myself. Sat down and really thought about it. I knew I didn’t want anything but I also knew I wanted something. Confused right? Big time!

 

You have to understand- if you’re a yes man/woman, people pleasing all the time; giving and giving- you will have nothing left for yourself. Eventually you will crush.

 

I’m not gonna deny that I was people’s pleaser. I wanted people to be happy but often it was at the cost of my own happiness. I would work extra hard to make them see that I’m a good person. But soon after years and years of being infected by the disease to please, I realised that I needed to find cure for it.

And I completely stopped, in fact I started running away from the blood suckers who expected me to do things for them but never showed when I needed them.

 

And even though it hurt at the beginning it started paying off and I started living my life the way I wanted it. I show up when I want to and I don’t if I don’t feel like it. I developed this principle- I won’t go if I’m not taking my heart with me. If I said I’m coming, I’m coming to be with you and spend time with you and not worry about anything else. And when it’s time to go- it’s time to go.

 

But that still made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Cos’ when I say no, people thought I was not nice or did not deserve being their friend, and that bothered me a little.

 

Saying “No” is terrifying and it sets boundaries- and if I say no people may not come back- Gabrielle Union

 

It’s like you can’t just say no- you have to justify your NO so people think you’re still a nice person. You have to have a reason why you’re not going to a certain party, place or invitation.

 

 

Which is why we say, I can’t come because I have……..

I’m not gonna make it because I need to be…..

 

What if you don’t want to go cos you simply don’t want to and it is the reason why you’re not- you just don’t want to say like that, cos people would think you’re rude and not a nice person. And so, we become liars against our own will.

 

But soon I realised, self-love teaches you that even the biggest giver still needs something in return. So, when I say NO to other people, really what I’m doing is saying yes to ME! Because since I’m not expecting to get it back from others, I have to expect to get it from me. And to do that I need to be on my own to recharge so I can give back and be there for others as much as I want. No strings attached.

 

 

 

So don’t get an offense, if I say, I can’t come or I won’t be there. It simply means, I need to be there for me. I need to show up for me. I need to give me some time. I need me to do me a favour and stay with me.

 

Always with love- BEE xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What true belonging means to me.

Where do you belong?

Well darlings, this is a tough one. I have seen people struggle with it as much as I have struggled. We all want to feel we belong somewhere. Whether it is our families, our villages, our countries, our jobs, our friends, our communities…etc. But isn’t it true that belonging is fitting in? I questioned myself several times.  What happens if we don’t fit in anywhere anymore. I mean, we belong somewhere because we share something right. Whether it’s values, standards, traditions and cultures. I mean, there has to be something we have in common right. But if you start having different values, different ways of thinking, different everything than our community, would you still say, I belong with them? Would you still feel comfortable saying that’s my home? Would you still feel understood, valued and accepted?

I mean we can disagree on somethings but if the core values change, what then? This kept coming back to me.

I left home in my mid-teenage years and have had to start life over and over again. Have had to learn different languages, cultures and traditions; and I’m grateful for it. I brought my values I grew up with, with me but over the years they started changing. I mean we have to evolve in order to grow right? We can’t just be in one spot and expect to grow too. We got to keep learning and changing. But the reality of it is, we try to make our values fit with others and when they don’t work we back off and ask why it didn’t.

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we try to make anyone and everything familiar to our values home. You try to grab it and never let go of it. We be the servant because it gives us that sense of belonging. I am guilty of this because I did it over and over again. I try to replace that feeling of belonging with people who didn’t even care about me. Of course, I didn’t see it then. But I kept searching for it everywhere. But I had no luck.

I didn’t know I didn’t have to do things to feel and be accepted and I certainly didn’t have to prove anything to anyone so I can belong.

And I failed to understand that home is not where I left it. It is not with a bunch of people. I finally understood that Home is me. It always has been. Home is where I go. Home is my head and my heart. Home is me. Because I kept coming back to myself. I kept coming back to my heart. And I reached a conclusion that no matter where I go there is my home. You cannot escape yourself. You’ll always be carrying you around, so you better make that a comfortable home. Respect your home, clean your home, love your home. And you will see a much loved, happy, cared for and respected home will attract curiosity and will attract homes just like it.

…And when you find someone who’s just what you were looking for; well, they can be your second home 🙂

Hope these words stay with you 🙂

With love- Bersi x

 

 

 

 

 

Failure! what failure?!

Failure! a topic that is too sensitive, perhaps underrated and less talked about. In a society full of flashy objects and picture perfect life, we don’t dare to talk about our failures. Jeeze! how could we? we’re too busy editing pictures and pretending to be too perfect. No body broadcasts their failures and brag about them.  If we pay attention, everything we see around us is a result of accumulated failures. We only see the finished product and not how it got here.

It’s ok to lose and fail sometimes you know. We shouldn’t be scared to fail. In fact, the more we fail  the closer we get to making it. Failure is part of the game. It is part of life.  I think failure is not the opposite of success. Fear is the opposite of success. Failure is just part of the journey and success.

I think the issue is not failing but perhaps not getting up and fighting back again. Because it’s easier to give up. The more you fail, the more you know how to deal with it and position yourself better for the next time you mess up. 🙂

 

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We get headaches when we overthink things and when we worry too much about failing. Some people don’t like to fail at all and so they don’t try. I’d say not trying is a massive failure and a risky business.

If you think about it, we have a 50/50 chance. Why focus our beautiful mind on failing. What if we don’t. This is precisely the reason why I’m not scared to play with fire. Because I know it is part of success. I do it knowing it could burn me but I don’t want to miss out on the lessons and the growth I could get from it. It helps me recognise the areas where I need to work on and it definitely helps me get closer to where want to get.

 

failure quote.

Thomas Edison made 1000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When he got asked, how did it feel to fail 1000 times? he replied, “I did’t fail 1000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1000 steps.“. What a Gangster response!!! my kind of man.

Fear is just an illusion. We feed it sooo much energy that we begin to believe it is real.

Let’s begin our journey planning to win but if we don’t, at least we’ll get some valuable experience out of it. In the end, we’re not really failing are we? Well, it depends which angle we’re looking at it from.

failure quote 2.

Having said that though, I was not like this all the time. In fact I used to run the opposite direction of fear and would not do anything because I was too afraid to fail. #Notanymore

Remember we always have a choice. we get to choose which attitude we’re gonna wear. What does your outfit look like today?

Always with Love- Bersi x0x0

 

Scared to follow your dreams?

Scared to follow your dreams?

Well, internet friends, I’m not going to sugar- coat it and pretend that I am a big actionista gal. ( someone who takes action lol).

The reason I didn’t pursue my dreams and didn’t follow through with an action to a scale that I wish I had done was because, my dream kept me going. It kept me alive. I had something to hold on to. It gave me hope and it had me saying, “one day” and I figured if I act on it and it fails, I won’t have anything to hold on to and won’t be able to say “one day” anymore.

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I won’t have that smear of hope that was barely holding me together.

And then, I saw this quote from Ghandi which resignated with me. “To believe in something and not to live it, is dishonest”. This really hit home cos’ I know what I believe in and trust me I’m trying to live it and be it. Everyday!  The quote gave me more courage to keep on keeping on and keep my eyes on the goal.

Little did I know though, we can have as many dreams and ideas as we want- not just one.  We don’t have a limited allowance you know. This is not a vodafone data allowance.  So I decided to act on it and was prepared to fail on my face. I really do not want to be on my death bed and regret the choices I made in life or the ones I didn’t. I did not want to play it safe anymore.

And I undesrtood that if it fails, I should focus on altering the steps, the approach and perhaps update my skills to get there but never change the dream. We miss this point. It’s not the dream that fails, it’s the way we go about it.

I just don’t want to carry an empty hole in my heart and walk around pretending to have a fulfilled life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sad because I made a choice to be happy.

But I wanted to be fulfilled and be more lightened. Which is why I call my blog, come shine with me, cos I try to keep my corner lit and keep shining and bring my sunshine with me.

I don’t want to sacrifice my life for doing what I don’t love doing. Standing in my own truth is what I stand for.

Because I know there’s so much freedom to be had when we stand on our own truth. When people are busy chasing happiness, I’m chasing freedom, cos’ happiness is just a state and we can choose to be happy without any conditions and you can train yourself to be in that state and own that shit. #wisemove

But being free, we gotta work harder and harder everyday baby!!! It ain’t cheap and it defo ain’t easy.

I’d say, If u want to live an honest life son, go get something to believe in and live by it. #simples

Always with love- Bersi

The way out!

 

It was written before I wrote
It was broken before I broke it
The way out- it was made before I made it
God almighty
Always there- watching me
Paving the way for me
Every turn, every corner
Curving it beautifully
Sending me,  angels who guard me

scarf me
I was always protected
Deep down I knew- never doubted it
All I had to do was pay attention- no hesitation
Believe! Listen carefully
It’s a gut feeling
What I was good at ignoring
What do you know about it though? it is a spiritual thing. Spiritual healing!!

Yours. Bersi, with love xoxo

 

 

I’m everything and nothing at all!

I am everything and nothing at all

Sometimes I want to be quiet and sometimes celebrate
I love those who have energy and jump around and I am that,
But at times I just want to meditate and leave it at that.
Sometimes I want to hold hands and take it slow,
But other times I want to jump in the ocean and play with the storm
You know playing with words is what I adore, but then I also like a movie & a popcorn

Sometimes I hold on tight to what I have, but other times I don’t care if all is lost
I love it when you tell me you love me, but other times it’s enough when you hold me
And we all love it when people sympathise with us but tough love we also appreciate.
Sometimes we want to be healthy but then we also celebrate being lazy
And don’t we all love honesty but the kind less brutal & easy

we love to share but we don’t like it when they’re too nosy

I admire flexibility, and I don’t mind changing but without losing my identity

you see- It’s not because I have endless personalities
But because, darling!  I am everything
And without it, I’m also nothing!!!

look around, pay attention and see if you’re experiencing something ….anything?

Love always, yours Bee x0x0